COMEDY / LAUGHTER

COMEDY / LAUGHTER - 1

The most wasted of all days is one without laughter. – E. E. Cummings

A foot is a device for finding furniture in the dark. – Steven Wright

Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time in the month I can be myself. – Rosanne Barr

The cost of living is going up and the chance of living is going down. - Flip Wilson

Rice is great if you’re really hungry and want 2000 of something. – Mitch Hedberg

I like to work a lot with wood.  I make furniture that falls apart.  I also sew. – Tim Conway

Adopted kids are such a pain—you have to teach them to look like you. – Gilda Radner

I met the Surgeon-General—he offered me a cigarette. – Rodney Dangerfield

Never lend your car to anyone to whom you gave birth. – Erma Bombeck

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead. – Stan Laurel

One out of four people in this country is unbalanced.  Think of your three best friends.  If they seem OK—you’re the one! – Ann Landers

P-spot—The area directly above the urinal in public restrooms where men stare, knowing a glance in either direction would arouse suspicion. – Rich Hall – SNIGLETS

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly.  It should be thrown with great force.  – Dorothy Parker      

Basically, my wife was immature.  I’d be home in the bath and she would come in and sink all my boats. – Woody Allen

When I’m good, I’m very good.  But when I’m bad, I’m better. – Mae West

I’ve got all the money I’ll ever need—if I die by four o’clock. – Henny Youngman

“And another thing, I want you to be more assertive!  I’m tired of everyone calling you Alexander the Pretty Good!” - Mother to Alexander the Great as a kid. – Gary Larson– THE FAR SIDE

I work for myself, which is fun, unless I call in sick.  Then I know I’m lying. – Rita Rudner

Introducing ‘Lite,’ the new way of spelling ‘light,’ but with 20% fewer letters. – Jerry Seinfeld

A laugh is a smile that bursts. – Mary H. Waldrip

Never slap a man who’s chewin’ tobacco. – Will Rogers

COMEDY / LAUGHTER - 2

I exercised with women so thin that buzzards followed them out to their car. – Erma Bombeck          

My mechanic couldn’t fix my brakes, so he made my horn louder. – Steven Wright

Jewish foreplay is two hours of begging. – Jewish comedian

I’m not gonna vacuum until Sears makes one you can ride on. – Rosanne Barr

He is so narrow-minded that if he fell on a pin, it would blind him in both eyes. – Fred Allen

I believe it’s better to be looked over than it is to be overlooked. – Mae West   

I’m not afraid of death, I just don’t want to be there when it happens. – Woody Allen 

Reality is a crutch for people who can’t handle drugs. – Lily Tomlin

The towels at this motel were so thick, I could hardly close my suitcase. – Yogi Berra

Procrastinate Now! – Ellen Degeneres

I found out the only way to look thin is to hang out with fat people. – Rodney Dangerfield

When my mother had to make dinner for 8, she’d make enough for 16, and only serve half. – Gracie Allen

Fettuccine Alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults. – Mitch Hedberg

I was the first woman to burn my bra—it took the fire department four days to put it out. – Dolly Parton                                                                    

I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places. – Henny Youngman

Never step in anything soft. – Unknown

Never eat more than you can lift. – Miss Piggy                                                     

“O, Injun maiden o’ my dreems, / yew is ever’thing yew seems. / broonett hair and lips o’ red, / broonett eyeballs in yer head. / Tho yew is but sweet nineteen, / yew is always squeaky kleen. / Be mine little pigeon, dew, / I would hock my socks fer yew.” – Lotsa Luck to L’il Pigeon – Tom K. Ryan – TUMBLEWEEDS

College is a place to keep warm between high school and an early marriage – George Gobel

I am an excellent housekeeper.  Every time I get a divorce, I get the house. – Zsa Zsa Gabor

Hemoplugs—Little pieces of tissue on facial razor cuts. – Rich Hall – SNIGLETS

I never drink water because of all the disgusting things fish do in it. – W.C. Fields

COMEDY / LAUGHTER - 3

In Tulsa restaurants have signs that say. “Sorry, we’re open.” – Rosanne Barr

I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose. – Woody Allen

Ambition is a poor excuse for having enough sense to be lazy. – Steven Wright

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. – Erma Bombeck

Optimism is the madness of insisting all is well when we are miserable. – Voltaire

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer. – Mitch Hedberg

“Randy!  Just sit down, eat your cereal, and look for that thing later!” – Momma T-Rex to her kids at the breakfast table as they reach into a box of ‘Meaties.’ – Gary Larson – The FAR SIDE

It’s not the man in my life that counts.  It’s the life in my man. – Mae West

“Hozone—the place where the missing sock disappears in the laundry load.” – Rich Hall – SNIGLETS

Get well cards have become so humorous that is you don’t get sick you’re missing half the fun. - Flip Wilson

I’m at the age when my back goes out more than I do. – Phyllis Diller

Buy land—they’ve stopped making it. – Mark Twain

You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on. – Dean Martin

The best way to find out about a man is to have lunch with his ex-wife. – Shelley Winters

Seven days without laughter make one weak. – Mort Walker (Beetle Bailey)

If you have a big enough dictionary, just about everything is a word. – Dave Barry

The closest I came to a ménage-a-trois was when I dated a schizophrenic. – Rita Rudner

Humor is reason gone mad. – Groucho Marx

If you build a better mousetrap, you will catch better mice. – George Gobel

I base most of my fashion taste on what doesn’t itch – Gilda Radner

I’m tired of all this nonsense about beauty only being skin-deep.  That’s deep enough.  What do you want—an adorable pancreas? – Jean Kerr                   

If no one ever took risks, Michelangelo would have painted the Sistine Floor. – Neil Simon

I think the worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades. – Demetri Martin

‘Automatic’ simply means that you can’t repair it yourself. - Mary H. Waldrip

COMEDY / LAUGHTER - 4

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people. – W.C. Fields

You can prevent whiplash by moving more slowly. – Gary Pulliam

I did a picture in England one winter, and it was so cold I almost got married. – Shelley Winters

My uncle was the town drunk—and we lived in Chicago! – George Gobel

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect. – Steven Wright

Clothes make the man.  Naked people have very little influence on society. – Mark Twain

Grandchildren are God’s way of compensating us for growing old. - Mary H. Waldrip

A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running. – Groucho Marx

You might be a redneck if your wife’s hairdo is ruined by a ceiling fan. – Jeff Foxworthy

Eating rice cakes is like chewing on a Styrofoam coffee cup, only less filling. – Dave Barry

We’re all in this…alone. – Lily Tomlin                 

Always remember this:  You don’t stop laughing because you grow old…You grow old because you stop laughing! – Unknown?

I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy. – Mitch Hedberg  

The idea is to die young—as late as possible – Ashley Montague (Historian)

I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of some weird religious cult? – Rita Rudner

I believe in exercise.  I do 45 minutes of exercises every morning, unless I do them very fast—then it takes less time. – Victor Borge

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back home. – Henny Youngman

Because of their size parents are difficult to discipline. – P. J. O’Rourke

I am so full I can’t hear. – Gilda Radner

Nonchalance:  the ability to look like an owl when you’ve acted like a jackass.   

As Miss America, my goal is to bring peace to the entire world, and then get my own apartment. – from Jay Leno

I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex and rich food.  He was perfectly healthy right up to the time he killed himself. – Johnny Carson

COMEDY / LAUGHTER - 5

Red meat is not bad for you. Now blue-green meat—that’s bad for you. – Tom Smothers          

Did you ever get the feeling that the world was a tuxedo, and you were a pair of brown shoes? – George Gobel

Hermits have no peer pressure. – Steven Wright

‘Escargot’ is French for ‘fat crawling bag of phlegm.’ – Dave Barry

You might be a redneck if you have a black eye and a hickey at the same time. – Jeff Foxworthy

The tobacco industry has said that while nicotine may be addictive, it is naturally present in vegetables.  How come you never see people standing outside an office building in the rain eating eggplant? – Jay Leno

It’s morally wrong to allow a sucker to keep his money. – W. C. Fields

Chaos in the midst of chaos is not funny, but chaos in the midst of order is funny. – Steve Martin

There are worse things than death.  Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman? – Woody Allen

Happiness is a good cigar, a good meal, and a good woman—or a bad woman.  It depends on how much happiness you can handle. – George Burns

The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for 30 years she served the family nothing but leftovers.  The original meal has never been found. – Calvin Trillin (American Journalist

When a waitress asked if I wanted my pizza cut into four or eight slices, I said “Four, I don’t think I can eat eight.” – Yogi Berra

Don’t squat with your spurs on. – Will Rogers

A fruit is a vegetable with looks and money.  Plus, if you let fruit rot, it turns into wine, something Brussels sprouts never do. – P. J. O’Rourke (American satirist)

A celebrity is a person who works hard all their life to become well-known, and then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized. – Fred Allen

Adam and Eve had many advantages, but the principle one was they escaped teething. – Mark Train                                                        

99% of the Lawyers give the rest a bad name. – Larry the Cable Guy

“Once I knew a nosey gnu that had a nose for news, a nose like no newsman ever knew, but now he’s dead and though I know another nosey gnu, I’ll never know a gnu that knew the news that that gnu knew.” – Wiley in B.C. (the comic strip) – Johnny Hart

COMEDY / LAUGHTER - 6

I could tellmy parents hated me.My bath toys were a toaster and a radio. – Rodney Dangerfield

You can’t have everything—where would you put it? – Steven Wright

You might be a redneck if you use pantyhose as a coffee filter. – Jeff Foxworthy

I always cook with wine. Sometimes I even add the food. – W. C. Fields

If a man watches three football games in a rowhe should be declared legally dead. – Erma Bombeck

Life is full of misery, loneliness and suffering—and it’s all over much too soon. – Woody Allen 

If you never want to see a man again, say, “I love you, I want to marry you, and I want to have children.”  They leave skid marks! – Rita Rudner

Never wear anything that panics the cat. – P. J. O’Rourke         

In heaven there is no beer—that’s why I drink it here. – Mark Twain  

Experts say you should never hit your children in anger.  When is it a good time—when you’re feeling festive? – Rosanne Barr

Low self-esteem group will meet Thursday at 7:00 P.M.  Please use back door. – Sign on an Australian church bulletin board

“Do those legs go all the way up?” – Male to female daddy long legs spider, at a bar. – Gary Larson – THE FAR SIDE

I used to be Snow White, but I drifted. – Mae West         

Always drink upstream from the heard. – Will Rogers                

Hor D’oevres?  A ham sandwich cut into 40 pieces. – Jack Benny                   

If you’re gonna do something tonight you’ll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late. – Henny Youngman

When women are depressed, they eat or go shopping.  Men invade another country. – Elayne Boosler (Comedian)                   

Depression is merely anger without the enthusiasm. – Larry, the Cable Guy

Don’t sweat the petty things, and don’t pet the sweaty things. – George Carlin

Never do card tricks with the group you play poker with. – Murphy’s Laws on Life 

COMEDY / LAUGHTER - 7

I’d much rather be a woman than a man. Women can cry, they can wear cute clothes, and they’re first to be rescued from a sinking ship. – Gilda Radner

I wrote a few children’s books, but not on purpose. – Steven Wright

Dying is one of the few things that can be done lying down. – Woody Allen

You might be a redneck if your wife wears a camouflage nightie. – Jeff Foxworthy

Everything is within walking distance if you have the time. – Steven Wright

The wages of sin is death, but by the time they take taxes out, it’s just sort of a tired feeling. – Paula Poundstone

“Now this is known as the thagomizer, after the late Thag Simmons.” – A caveman instructing his fellow student, pointing to the spikes on the tail of a triceratops dinosaur.” – Gary Larson – THE FAR SIDE

Never kick a cow chip on a hot day. – Will Rogers

Always read something that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.  – P. J. O’Rourke

The only reason I would take up jogging is to hear heavy breathing again. – Erma Bombeck

I was so ugly my mother had morning sickness after I was born. – Rodney Dangerfield             

There are two kinds of people in the world; those who finish what they start and……….” – Brad Ramsey (Nashville interior designer and song writer)

Don’t spend $2.00 to dry clean a shirt.  Donate it to the Salvation Army instead.  They’ll clean it and put it back on a hanger.  Next morning you can but it for 25 cents! – Brilliant!

Brevity is the soul of lingerie. – Dorothy Parker

You gotta be careful if you don’t know where you’re going, because you might not get there. – Yogi Berra

It’s weird.  People say we’re not from apes. How do you explain football then? – Mitch Hedberg

I feel sorry for people who don’t drink.  They wake up in the morning and that’s the best they’re going to feel all day. – Dean Martin

We have wild animals in zoos, yet people rarely meet their ‘food’ face to face. - Elayne Boosler

The first time I sang in the church choir, 200 people changed their religion. – Fred Allen

COMEDY / LAUGHTER - 8

Those who dance are considered insane by those that cannot hear the music. – George Carlin

I intend to live forever—so far, so good. – Steven Wright

Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable. – Woody Allen

I like refried beans. That’s why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they’re just as good and we’re wasting time.  You don’t have to fry them again after all. – Mitch Hedberg

Always go to other people’s funeral, otherwise they won’t come to yours. – Yogi Berra

Never take a beer on your job interview. – Jeff Foxworthy

Houseguests should be regarded as perishables. Leave them out too long and they go bad. – Erma Bombeck

I’d rather have a bottle in front of me rather than a frontal lobotomy. – Fred Allen

I wasn’t always black…There was this freckle and it got bigger. – Bill Cosby

The secret of humor is surprise. – Aristotle

The president of today is just the postage stamp of tomorrow. – Gracie Allen

When turkeys mate, they think of swans. – Johnny Carson

Oh, you hate your job?  Why didn’t you say so?  There’s a support group for that—everybody meets down the street at the bar. – Drew Carey

Just had a call from a charity asking me to donate some of my clothes to starving people throughut the world.  I told them to bug off.  Anyone who fits into my clothes is not starving. – Dorothy Parker       

I like to talk on TV about things that are not worth talking about. – Truman Capote

What’s another word for Thesaurus? – Steven Wright

Assassination is the strictest form of censorship. – George Bernard Shaw

Time is nature’s way of keeping everything from happening at once. – Woody Allen

Reality is the leading cause of stress among those in touch with it. – Lily Tomlin

I’m not as think as you drunk I am. – Anonymous or AA?

Atheism is a non-prophet organization. – George Carlin

Being 80 is a lot better than being 70.  At 70 people are mad at you for everything.  At 80, you have the perfect excuse, no matter what you do.  It’s your second childhood. – Ann Landers  

COMEDY / LAUGHTER - 9

I like to reminisce with people I don’t know. – Steven Wright

When I was young I was kidnapped.  My parents snapped into action.  They rented out my room. – Woody Allen

If I had nine fingers missing, I wouldn’t type any slower. – Mitch Hedberg

If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead. – Johnny Carson        

Doing nothing is very hard to do…how do you know when you’re finished? – Leslie Nielsen

Crowded elevator smell different to midget. – Confucius? I don’t think so – Chinese proverb

If your dog is fat, you’re not getting enough exercise. – Pet lover

Adam must have been baffled on Mother’s Day. – Unknown

Politicians and diapers need to be changed often, and for the same reason. – Mark Twain

Life is like a roll of toilet paper; the closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes. – Andy Rooney

Dating—Going out on a date is pressure and tension.  What is a date, really but a job interview that lasts all night? – Jerry Seinfeld

Getting out of jury duty is easy.  The trick is to say you’re prejudiced against all races. – Homer J. Simpson

U.S.A. Today has come out with a new survey. Apparently three out of every four people makeup 75% of the population. – David Letterman

I couldn’t wait for success, so I went ahead without it. – Jonathan Winters

There is nothing more miserable in the world than to arrive in Paradise and look like your passport photo. – Erma Bombeck                                                       

Before I met my husband, I’d never fallen in love; I only stepped in it a few times. – Rita Rudner                                               

The art of medicine consists of amusing the patient while nature cures the disease. – Voltaire

A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running. – Groucho Marx

You might be a redneck is if you have a complete set of salad bowls that say ‘Kool Whip’ on the side. – Jeff Foxworthy

By and large, language is a tool for concealing truth. – George Carlin

“My brother thinks he’s a chicken, but we can’t turn him in to an institution.  We need the eggs.” – Woody Allen – ANNIE HALL                               

COMEDY / LAUGHTER - 10

And remember, no matter where you go, you are there. – Confucius

I personally think we developed language because of our deep need to complain. – Lily Tomlin

It took me fifteen years to discover I had no talent for writing, but I couldn’t give up because by that time I was too famous. – Robert Benchley

Sometimes I wonder whether the world is being run by smart people who are putting us on, or by imbeciles who really mean it. – Mark Twain   

A well-behaved woman rarely makes history. – Laurel Thatcher Ulrich (Historian)

Today is the first day of the rest of your life. – The Devil to the new arrivals at Hell’s door. – Gary Larson – The FAR SIDE

Cats are intended to prove that not everything in nature has a function. – Garrison Keiller

Being a newspaper columnist is like being married to a nymphomaniac—it’s great for the first two weeks. – Lewis Grizzard

Neurotics build castles in the air; psychotics live in them.  My mother cleans them. – Rita Rudner

Not all chemicals are bad.  Without hydrogen and oxygen, there would be no way to make a vital ingredient in beer. – Dave Barry

I always wanted to be somebody.  I should have been more specific. – Lily Tomlin

Modesty is my best quality. – Jack Benny 

A fellow who thinks he knows it all is especially annoying to us who do. – Harold Coffin

This used to be a government of checks and balances.  Now it’s all checks and no balances. – Gracie Allen

I have invented a parachute that opens on impact. – Steven Wright      

“In Beverly Hills they don’t throw garbage away.   They make it into television shows.” – Woody Allen – ANNIE HALL

Don’t marry a man to reform him, that’s what reform schools are for. – Mae West

Because of their size parents are difficult to discipline. – P. J. O’Rourke

Giving up smoking is easy.  I’ve done it hundreds of times. – Mark Twain

Always forgive your enemies—nothing annoys them so much. – Oscar Wilde

We basically go back to children when we’re in the dentist’s chair. – Arthur Benjamin

COMEDY / LAUGHTER - 11

Don’t accept your dog’s admiration that you are wonderful. – Ann Landers

The food here is terrible and the portions are way too small. – Woody Allen  

I don’t at all like knowing what people say of me behind my back.  It makes me far too conceited. – Oscar Wilde

Life is like a 10-speed bicycle—we have gears we never use. – Charles Schultz       

A man is only as old as the woman he feels. – Groucho Marx  

Clothes make the man.  Naked people have very little influence on society. – Mark Twain

People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy. – Bob Hope

For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow, but phone calls taper off. – Johnny Carson        

Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on a carousel never gets picked up? – Erma Bombeck

Get that garbage out of here!  It stinks like CAIRN! – My Momma (Cairn—short for carrion)

Ice cream is exquisite—what a pity it isn’t illegal. – Voltaire

I’m agaisnt picketing, but I don’t know how to show it. – Mitch Hedberg

Most rock journalism is by people who can’t write, interviewing people who can’t talk, for people who can’t read. – Frank Zappa

Never argue at the dinner table, for the one who is not hungry always gets the best of the argument. – Voltaire

You know you’re getting old when all the names in your little black book end in M.D. – Anold Palmer                                                                                      

No matter how serious your life requires you to be, everyone needs a friend to act goofy with. – Andy Rooney                                                                                 

The main difference between man and animals is, animals don’t stand in line. – Gary Larson?

Old is when going braless pullsall the wrinkles out of your face. – Anonymous

Many people die at twenty-five and aren’t buried until they are seventy-five. – Benjamin Franklin

That’s the great thing about a tractor.  You really can’t hear the phone ring. – Jeff Foxworthy

COMEDY / LAUGHTER - 12

If you at first don’t succeed…so much for sky diving. – Henny Youngman

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go. – Oscar Wilde

If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question? – Lily Tomlin

I have this existential map; it has “you are here” written all over it. – Steven Wright

When you get a certain age, a juicy lawsuit is the only thing that gets you up in the morning. – Gore Vidal

Instead of working for the survival of the fittest, we should be working for the survival of the wittiest – then we can all die laughing. – Lily Tomlin

Behind every successful man is a surprized mother-in law. - Voltaire

Why isn’t there a special name for the tops of your feet? – Lily Tomlin

n